I've posted three days in a row -- a recent record, considering my infinitesimal access to the Internet. So I'd better come up with something new to say!

One thing I don't think I've mentioned at all, though, is that I've been back in contact with Deborah all this time. She's got a year clean and sober now, and is working through her health issues with a positive attitude. In fact, she just called me from the field -- she's horseback riding as I write this. The last time I saw her she was tanned and healthy and smiling from ear to ear. We get along better than ever; we've both made amends to each other, we support each other's recovery and we are the best of friends now.

Whoda thunkit?

Dapper Dan and I hit it off right away, both being intellectuals and former professionals. The day after Christmas, Dapper Dan relapsed and was kicked out in sub-zero weather. He slept in an abandoned truck through the weekend and was readmitted on a Monday, suffering from severe frostbite. He lost all ten toes and walked with a cane for the next five months. Dapper Dan relapsed again, and after a frantic search, Ski, The Little Fella and I found him, drinking himself into a stupor in that same truck. After three stays in the mental ward, two in the hospital, and one in an expensive short-term rehab, a three-quarter house took him in. The Little Fella found Dapper Dan drunk in a park and brought him back to the three-quarter house. A week later this happened again. Now, Dapper Dan has disappeared completely. He will likely die.

I could talk to The Little Fella about anything. In May when my own family abandoned me and I had to restart the program, he almost single-handedly kept me from losing hope. The Little Fella was kicked out for possession of a cell phone. After a couple weeks on the streets, he was taken in by his brother and was doing well, getting custody of his children and landing a temp job. Recently The Little Fella failed to show up for work. He has disappeared without a trace.

Miss Congeniality lived in a nearby three-quarter house for women. She and I were basically inseparable for months. We talked at least once a day, attended all of our outside meetings together and staged a successful intervention for her 16-year-old daughter. Miss Congeniality disappeared suddenly one weekend. A couple weeks later she surfaced at her mother's house, then disappeared again. Nobody has heard from her for weeks.

Top Cop took a genuine interest in me. We had much in common. A couple months ago he went into cardiac arrest and died.

If I had time and space I could write similar stories about Tim-san, Clapton, The Mad Hungarian, Miss Blondie, Ski, Putz, Lefty, That Old Guy, Shadetree, Stand Down, The Librarian, Mommy Dearest, Femme Fatale, and others. However, I am determined that nobody will write a sad story about a guy named Pavarotti. Because that's what they call me around here.

I've got 2 minutes to post.  Doing okay.  Last week I got a bicycle!  It was a gift from another fellow who has family on his side; they had bought him a better one, so he gave me his old one, and I got it running again.

But Saturday, it was stolen.  They cut right through the cables with a bolt cutter or the like.  So yesterday I started piecing together another from spare parts.  Stay tuned ... someday soon I might be back on wheels ...

I am still losing friends faster than I am making them.  It seems that, whenever I get even remotely close to somebody, they relapse and go back out there and disappear.  Maybe that's why my kids want no contact with me.  I'm jinxed.

Well, I guess I don't really believe that.  It just seems that way. 

I sucessfully staved off the temptation to back out there myself.  I almost put in for a weekend pass ("weekend" for me is Thursday-Friday) for the 2nd and 3rd.  I have nowhere to go, so of course I would put myself in a bad spot if I took an overnight pass.  It's just that I am sooooo cooped up in here.  Nothing but the same, I never get out of here except for the occasional meeting (there and straight back).  I can take only so many months of this.  Never any visits, never a phone call.  Ever.

Just being honest.  Just being real.

Here I am at the Wayne library again, so I thought I'd toss off a quick update.  Just some scattered thoughts.

I had a nice day with my father yesterday.  We went out for breakfast and then came back to the center and hung around for a while.  He charmed the counselors there, especially one with whom he really hit it off.  He may be 90 years old but he's still the charmer!  And quite a ladies' man ...

I really, REALLY need to find a good church to go to.  Working Sundays until 3:00 PM doesn't help.  Time will tell.

My close friend "Sandra" (not her real name ... she is a dead ringer for Sandra Bullock so that's what I shall call her here) has joined the list of my friends who have recently relapsed.  Sandra lives (well, lived) in a three-quarter house for women just half a mile from the center, and we went to most of our meetings together.  Haven't heard from Sandra in almost two weeks, which is highly unusual.  Normally she calls twice daily.  It seems that most of my little support group has gone "back out there."  Fortunately I am making some new friends to replace the old.  I guess that's the price of being an addict.  You get attached to other addicts, and, well ... what can I say, they're all addicts.  Relapse just goes with the territory.  I pray for them and that's the best I can do.

There is some good news, though ... two of my best friends are doing well on the outside.  "The Little Fella" got kicked out for having a cell phone, but is doing well -- staying clean, working (driving a "hi-lo," what most of the US calls a fork lift), living with his brother, etc.  And "Lefty" graduated last week.  He now lives with his parents in South Lyon, is looking for a job, and will soon be volunteering his time by helping addicts and alcoholics out there. 

I am letting my hair grow out.  Not by choice.  You see, I got a haircut about three weeks ago.  I love this haircut -- that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  (*ahem*)

Doing a lot of work on healing toxic shame.  It's hard to explain, but ... well, I'm discovering and healing some stuff that's been part of me since childhood, and which has caused me all sorts of pain throughout my life.  Scary but exciting.  More on that later. 

Well, time's up; I've got to hit the Publish button and scram.  Thanks for reading.

The following is my plan for where I'll be on 1st June 2010, Lord willing. 

Vocationally, I will have resumed my career.  By August of 2009 I will have resumed working with MRS, who could help me with training in the latest engineering software (Pro-Engineer, CATIA, etc.).  WHen I finish training I will dive into a dedicated job search.  If all goes well I should have found a job by early Spring of 2010.

By 1st June 2010 I will be working on my financial amends.  By then I should have been working already a few months, paying child support and chipping away at my substantial amount of debt, one creditor at a time.  I will also have made arrangements with the IRS to pay off my sizeable back taxes.

Personally, I will be working on amends to my children, whether or not they decide to be a part of my life again by then.  (My counselor says, "let them play Heinz and catch-up!")  I will be a regular attendee at several NA meetings, and will occasionally attend new ones.  By 1st June 2010 I will have a new network of friends whom I have met here at the ARC, in church, in the Fellowship and in other healthy activities.  However, I shall avoid any sort of romantic entanglements, as these will be inconsistent with my recovery and my new life.

Spiritually speaking, I will have found and will be attending a church with sound theology, deep and reverent worship, and a meaningful social presence.  I will be involved in some way using my abilities, namely performance (vocal and instrumental), teaching, and intercultural or interlinguistic activities.

In short, by 1st June 2010 I will have my life back.

After a roadblock earlier this month I'm back at it.  Sometimes setbacks can be real growing experiences; they can expose holes in one's approach and provide clarity to goals and priorities.

I've been reading a book entitled Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw.  I may be learning more from this book than from everything else put together.  Among the things I've learned is that, all my life, I have internalized every mistake I've ever made.  When most people do something wrong, they think, "I have done something wrong."  But I have always seen mistakes as confirmation that "I am a flawed, defective person."  Instead of thinking "I've done something bad," I think "I am bad."

This unhealthy, lifelong process of accumulating "toxic shame" has destroyed my self-image and has led to most of my problems in life.  And I never really understood what was happening.  Until now.

So today, knowing this, when I make a mistake, for example, at work, I make a conscious effort to view it as an example of my simply being human.  Instead of internalizing it as yet more evidence that I am "bad," I take it as an opportunity.  I tell myself, "I've done something wrong.  I am human.  I need to learn from this mistake and prevent it from happening again."

So far, so good.  It'll take some practice, but this new attitude is already helping me to reap some benefits.  If I had never run into that roadblock, I may have never learned the truth about myself.  Blessings come in many forms.  It takes fire to refine gold.

Once again I'm at the Wayne (MI) Public Library and I have a few minutes to post a quick entry.  What's new since last time?  Well, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I now have two jobs at the Center (technically, they're not proper "jobs" since I don't get paid; they're "work therapy").  I still work in "control" at the front desk, but now just on the weekend; during the week I use my people skills by scheduling pick-ups of donations.  When folks want to donate large amounts of clothing, furniture, etc. to the Salvation Army, we can send a truck out to them to gather the items.  So far I enjoy it immensely.  I'm helping out the folks who want to get rid of their old appliances, bedroom sets, TV's, etc.; I am helping the Salvation Army by adding to their inventory of items which support their ministries locally and across the world, and I'm helping myself by doing something I enjoy and thus improving my self-image.

My first appointment at MRS (Michigan Rehabilitation Services) this past Monday went well.  It was just the orientation, but I did get my application packet completed and therefore I've got the ball rolling.  I return on 7th May to meet with someone one-on-one to go over my goals for the future.

I've been working the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous together with my sponsor for some time now.  In just a few days I shall have six months clean time.  Through working these steps I am making a host of changes in myself -- how I think, how I react, how I feel about myself, and recognizing what I have power over, and more importantly, what I don't have power over.  I am a very different person than I ever have been in the past.  Instead of being ruled by my character defects, I have identified them, am working to rid myself of them, and am discovering anew my character strengths.  It is truly a lifelong spiritual journey that I am excited to be on.

I've got a quick 5 minutes to post an entry, so here goes.  Things continue to look up for me.  I'm working in communications now, and on Monday I have my first appointment with Michigan Rehabilitation Services, who might help me transition back into the everyday work environment.  They could help me with money for software training, gas and insurance, etc.  I'm excited.  My program is going well.  Doggone it, I wish I had more time to write but for now, this is all I can tell you.  Thanks for reading!

Greetings again from the Wayne (Michigan) library, where I now have my very own library card!  The degree to which having my own library card excites me is beyond words.  I feel like a normal human being again.  So perhaps, from time to time when I can manage a ride here, I can shoot off a quick entry. 

I have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off, and today I am spending with Bud, my eighteen-year-old son and my 90-year-old father.  Spending time with my family is the most precious thing in my life right now.  And I can tell that they appreciate it just as much as I.  We just came from the Social Security Administration offices, where I applied for a replacement Social Security card.  When that arrives by mail next week, I can add that to my library card and my drivers license (which, thanks to God, I was able to get back in January) to round out my personal identification portfolio.

I have graduated to Level Four, the final stage of the program at rehab, which means that I can start looking for outside employment again.  There is a state agency called Michigan Rehabilitation Services which promises to help me with any training or other needs in that process.  Not sure what I want to do yet, but I know I don't want to get into a crazy career like I had before.  With Michigan's unemployment rate well over 12% it'll be hard for me to find anything at all, so wish me luck and pray for me.

How do I spend my days at rehab?  Well, I have a job working in Control at the front desk of the Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center where I live, which is a combination of receptionist, dispatch manager, communications director, bouncer, sherrif, and all-around answer man.  When I'm not working nor in various didactic programming -- that is, in my free time -- I attend outside NA and AA meetings.  I've got a sponsor, Jim B., who is a real benefit to my recovery, and I have made many new friends.  I lead our in-house NA group and am co-secretary of an outside NA group in Allen Park.  So I definitely keep busy.

Oh, I almost forgot.  I've discovered a talent which I never knew I had.  I appear to have quite a good singing voice.  I happened to be sitting behind Mrs. Captain at Christmas Eve services, and, hearing me singing Christmas carols, she drafted me to sing in worship services.  So I'm now the lead vocalist in a band, and at the talent show last month I received a standing ovation.  So hey, I guess I'll go with it.

Well, Dad and Bud are waiting -- a Jimmy Johns sub is calling as well.  So, until next time!